7.13.2009

Be a man!

It's not easy being a man. And no, this is not some segue way into a rant about the stupidity of men. I just don't envy the pressure they're put under.

The best way I've heard it described: "Men are expected to know the answer before the question is even asked".
So if I understand this correctly: perpetual certainty is a must, displays of weakness are to be avoided at all costs, and must he-man skills include car maintenance, home repair, techie skills, the ability to to survive in the wilderness, puppy cuddling and a six-pack.

Did I leave out "must be sensitive" and "mind read"?

Living up to these ideals is impossible and yet the expectations keep getting heaped on - by parents, by girlfriends/wives, by the media, by other men. We've already see the same thing happen with women and all the roles we're expected to undertake.

And when you drop the ball, there's always someone to remind you of your failure as a man/woman.

I bring up the topic because there's been a lot of discussion lately about what it means to be a man. On Sunday, a friend tossed out, "I can't figure out which pipe is leaking. What kind of a man am I?" Then the other night, Powell and I watched Revolutionary Road, a movie whose statements about gender in the 50s is still relevant today.

To (potentially) inspire some good conversation, I polled some lady friends and discovered that most of us don't care if our men can't do half the stuff on that list... as long as they have a good sense of humour about it.

Are we being desperately optimistic, sure to turn into shrews once in a relationship? Have our neuroses mellowed with age? Or is anyone willing to back us up?

On your marks...

6 comments:

Sarah Lolley said...

I apologize in advance for this long comment, but here goes...

When I was a first-year university student -- 18 years old and bursting with the desire to experience Life -- I first heard the song "Strong Enough" by Sheryl Crow. If you don't know it, here is a excerpt of the lyrics:

"God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

"I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It's try and love me if you can
Can you be man enough to be my man?

"When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?"

"YES!!!" I thought, when I first heard the song. "I want THAT kind of unconditional love!" I used to play it over and over again, thinking how perfect it was; how brilliantly it described the tragedy I felt, as an 18-year-old, of being misunderstood and put-upon, and how only someone really special would be able to "get" me. The fact that the song was being sung by a gorgeous, popular woman made it clear to me that this was an appropriate standard to hold for relationships.

That song was on the radio a few days ago. I hadn't heard it in years and years, and when I recognized the opening bars, I turned it up. But as the lyrics spilled out of the radio, I was horrified.

The singer is explaining that if (and only if) the man is "man enough" and "strong enough", he will read her mind, anticipate what she needs, deliver these to her exact unspoken specifications, and never stop thinking that she is an extraordinary woman and that he is lucky to have her. He will continue to love the singer of the song even if she is being unreasonable and tempermental, even if she is acting hysterical or being uncommunicative.

I turned off the radio feeling vaguely ill.

ad said...

Thanks for the great comment, Sarah!

The part of this song that always rubs me the wrong way is: "Lie to me".

Aah, no!

If I'm being unreasonable, tell me that I'm being unreasonable so that I can stop being unreasonable in the future.

How is the relationship supposed to grow and get better if we're pretending that everything is fine?

Alston Adams said...

"How is the relationship supposed to grow and get better if we're pretending that everything is fine?"

It isn't, but that's not the fucking point. Pretending that everything is fine--lying---is done for many more reasons and by many more people than we generally care to admit.

Sorry for the vague cynicism, but I've had a very shitty weekend when it should have been fucking awesome.

And Sarah, thanks for a dose of truth and reason.

ad said...

A little masking and compromising is always necessary, but outright dishonesty every day of the relationship is not good.

I'm sorry you had a bad weekend, Alston, but no verification word??

Alston Adams said...

I guess I have to get used to being back in civilization.

Verification word: swoome, as in, close to awesome.

ad said...

Nice one!