April is the cruelest month

Never have T.S. Eliot's words resonated more with me.

April has been a long, trying month and I'm glad it's (almost) over. Hip adjustment. Nerve malfunction in my hand (four physio appointments later). Nasty head cold. Hormonal freak-outs. Creakier-than-normal joints. Wonky sleep patterns.

I feel about 107 years old this morning.

And because I've been beholden to the whims of my oft-uncooperative body this month, it means that I've barely been able to practice yoga.

Generally, yoga is my cure-all. No matter how stressful my day is, once I step on the mat, all is seen under a different light. Deeper breathing allows my reactions to soften, my compassion to balloon.

So going through a physically difficult period without my Number One Coping Tool has been a learning experience in itself, because I've had to summon compassion and softness all by myself. No shortcuts. No instant release. No crutch.

It hasn't been pretty, but fighting these waves of frustration has taught me a few things about how I've structured my support system in general. For example, my number one issue is asking for help. I'm terrible at asking for help. My parents trained me to be as self-sufficient as possible and from that, a fierce independence has developed over time.

There are people that I rely on for support, but it's only just occurred to me that I chose the wrong people - that they are rarely there for me when I need them.

Maybe I need to love those people for different reasons.
Maybe I need to choose other people to rely on.

Like I said, it's been a looong month. Here's hoping I make it through the last day without getting into any more trouble.


Mari said...

I hope you're on the mend soon and that you find the support you need (and can rely on). I'm terrible about asking for help too. April has been bad for me too pain-wise; I don't know why. Maybe my body just isn't ready for the change in the seasons. *shrug*

Feel better soon! abrazos!

ad said...

Besos Mari!

I have a feeling that May is going to be fantastic!

stitchkitty said...

Pick me! Pick me! I'm also fiercely self sufficient, so I won't wait for you to ask for help. I'll just show up, armed with books, chai and something from Mr V.

ad said...

The job is yours - just come back from India already!

Sarah said...

We all have our things. My biggest problem is that I always think I've done something wrong, but I'm also familiar with the "not being able to ask for help" or, more aptly, "not wanting anyone to see that I need help".

The irony with your thing where you don't want to ask for help is that many people, including me, *love* it when people ask us for help. Like if someone spilled olive oil on the floor and needed help cleaning it up, I would love that opportunity because it gives me a chance to play a role that I don't get to play very often: "The One Who Can Make It Better".

ad said...

Not that I would know anything about breaking bottles of olive oil :)


fire said...

The Month of May will be great, just make sure you Tango more.
You can be enveloped in a wonderful hugging embrace that can energise you beyond belief, also you can be self sufficient, but you have to give something to your partner as well!! So giving, getting, moving as one, that’s Tango.

ad said...

Beautifully said, thank you, fire!