Shenpa is a bitch!

I've been struggling with the concept of shenpa this week. What's shenpa? As Pema Chodron explains, shenpa is ineffable - you cannot describe it in words, it is immaterial.

But that doesn't lessen the experience of shenpa.

Some words used by Pema Chodron to explain shenpa include attachment, hooked or stickiness, but as she notes, those words do not sufficiently explain just how badly shenpa can kick your butt.

Here's an example of how shenpa works:
Someone tells you that you look fat in 'dem jeans. That feeling in the pit of your stomach? That's shenpa. When that comments feeds into your low self-esteem and you react with anger - towards the person or towards yourself? That's shenpa too. When you start to eat/smoke/drink/swear more to cover up the hurtful comment? Yep, that's still shenpa.

Shenpa is the demon on your shoulder. It's that inner switch that when it gets flipped, leads to thoughts and behaviours that are unhealthy for your self. It's the most vulnerable, self-destructive part of you.

Now you can understand why I've been struggling with shenpa - it's hard-wired. My particular shenpa has been extremely vocal this week, provoking all kinds of chasing-my-tail reflection and frequent ill-humour, so I listened to a lecture by PC, my ear cocked and ready to latch on to some piece of knowledge that might inspire me.

And that's when she began addressing the idea of accepting your situation as if you asked for it.

I know. [chortle] She's got to be kidding, right? How are you going to get out of a situation if you accept it??

Like this:
a) By accepting it, you stop struggling with it.
b) If you're not struggling with it, you gain a more realistic vision of what's really happening.
c) If you see things as they really are, then you can make better decisions.
d) If you make better decisions, you will get out of the situation.

Or at least that's how I understand it. I could be wrong, but it seems like it may be a good start towards shaking off shenpa. It doesn't sound easy, but I prefer working towards acceptance than being upset all the time.

Between this post and the previous post about bodies, I must sound like one got-it-together chick.

But I'm not.

My only achievement is being actively involved in trying to get it together. Sometimes I lose patience. Sometimes I lose my mind. I'm still working at it though.


Palanca Health Watch: The TB-like cough I've been hacking out all week long is perhaps subsiding, and I was actually able to sleep through the night, alleluia!