My apologies

I have always believed that there are some things that don't need to be said. Perhaps it's a sign of my cowardice. Perhaps it's just naivete. I am so utterly transparent in most things that it seems unnecessary to say.

If you want to know what Adriana is thinking, just watch Adriana for fifteen minutes and you'll quickly understand - simply by observing reactions and facial expressions - who Adriana likes, who Adriana doesn't like, if Adriana is hungry, etc.

In recent years, I have tried to be more verbal with my appreciation so that there is no doubt that I am happy to see you, that I love you to the bone, that I miss you very much.

But it's hard work and sometimes I fail spectacularly at this simple task. Why am I talking about this right now?

I had lunch today with M. Le Patron, ostensibly to discuss my employment satisfaction, but we meandered into another discussion on a familiar topic. It started something like this:

*Le Patron: Adriana, pourquoi est-ce que tu est toujours celibataire?

Me: On as eu cette discussion récemment dans la salle de rédaction. Les boys disent c'est parce que je ne suis pas assez bitch.

And I think there may be some truth to that - when formulated differently. The problem may in fact be that I am not verbal enough. That maybe my silence is interpreted as judgment, as lack of love, as disappointment...

When it couldn't be farther from the truth.

**M. Le Patron: When you were satisfied, did you tell them?

Me: I don't know. [pause] I really don't know.

So this evening, I feel devastated by my failure. By the way I may have disappointed the people that meant the most to me. I will begin to make amends as I can, but in the meantime I remind you all, speak up and let your people know how you feel.

I have started by calling my mother. She may drive me crazy, but she's the only person in the world who can begin a story, "When you were little..." She was very glad to hear from me.

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*The French is an approximation of what he said. I have poor memory for French dialog.

**He said this bit in English.