The non-reproductive female

There are many non-reproductive females in my circle. A few desperately want to reproduce, some were never fortunate enough to reproduce (despite their best efforts), others - like myself - are still undecided, but the vast majority of women I know are childless by choice. And it's not necessarily in support of feminist or environmental values.

"I don't have the mothering instinct."
"I'm not equipped to raise a human being."
"I'm too neurotic as it is."
"I have other things I want to do with my life."

Whatever their personal reason, most of these women are highly-functioning human beings who contribute to the communities in which they live and work. Other than than occasional (well-meaning but nonetheless hurtful) lecture on how it's natural to want a child, and how a woman is never really complete until she's given birth, most people are accepting of this choice.

On occasion, I struggle with this question. Why? Because I think part of our happiness is connected to creating, whether it be a flesh and blood child, a non-profit organization, a poem, a wooden cabinet, daily joy, what have you. And if you're not nurturing some kind of life in this world, you feel lost and useless.

Or at least I do.

Not having children is a truth I can accept (if that's the way it goes), but not creating is anathema to me. It is the only thing I can cling to in this swirl of relentless uncertainty. And it clings to me so amorously too. Even if I ignore it for long periods of time, *creating* never makes me pay for my transgression. It nuzzles my neck with unabashed desire and I hold it ever closer to better hear the words it will pour into my ear.

As long as *creating* stays true - babies or no babies - I think we'll all float on ok.

Some final thoughts for those you of you currently struggling with demons --

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

--- Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.

-- Rainer Maria Rilke, God speaks to each of us