Lesbian lipstick

Just when you think that men couldn't possibly surprise you anymore, the little darlings go ahead and leave your jaw swinging in awe once more. And as is often the case, it's usually at the most unsuspecting moments.

I was sitting in a friendly neighbourhood café with a friend recently. Some bony-pelvised girls were sitting to the right of us, their noses deep in an economics textbook. Everyone had a hot bevvie. Outside, there was a half-hearted flurry of snow. Not the most extraordinary day in the meteorological history of humankind, but just gusty enough to make you want to wrap your hands around a warm cup.

Then out of the blue...

S: “Do you know that the first time I met you, I thought you were a lesbian?”

Me (obviously intrigued): Umm, why?

S: “Because you didn’t bother to fix yourself up or anything. You weren’t wearing any lipstick.”

Me (a terminal repeater): "I wasn’t wearing any lipstick?"

S: "It was the first time you were meeting a new man! You're supposed to try and impress me!"

With lipstick? Weren't my dazzling wit and flashing eyes enough?

S: "You're looking at me like I'm crazy."

No, I'm suppressing the urge to ask you if you stuffed a sock in your pants for our first meeting. You know, to impress me?

Me: "Just drink your coffee, mister, and drop the lipstick shtick."

Does this add to the database of human knowledge at all? Have I stumbled upon a key to understanding the male mind, and just don't realise it? Do the lesbians know about this? Am I just the last to know?