This isn't dirty, I swear.It's just that Powell and I were having that conversation again - that conversation about the importance of sexual attraction in a relationship - and whether or not our answer makes us shallow.
You see, Powell and I concur that sexual attraction is indeed important for the long-term survival of any relationship. But we also feel (are made to feel?) guilty about holding this opinion.
Why? Because most people fail to make the very important distinction between:
(1) needing to feel a sexual connection with someone, and
(2) only being able to feel a connection with someone who fulfills a very limited physical description.
Sexual attraction should not be confused with physical beauty.
The truth is, the men I have dated fall into all kinds of categories. Short, tall, skinny, fat, hairy, bald. Some of them had movie-star looks and bodies, while others had obviously spent too many hours in the library being fried by the bad lighting. But the truth is, I thought all of them were gorgeous, sexy creatures.
That sexual attraction was mostly the invisible workings of 'chemistry', but it was also based on word play, sense of humour, the ability to banter, and their willingness to explain new things. Who they were contributed to that sexual attraction as much as their kind eyes, the size and shape of their hands, their thighs, etc.
Sexual attraction is far more complex than most think. I know people who have very limited guidelines when it comes to a mate: "I need a guy who's at least six feet tall", "I can't date a girl who weighs more than 120lbs", "If he doesn't make at least 50K a year, I won't even talk to him".
Not only is this mindset narrow and unrealistic, but it doesn't take into account that some people don't find Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie remotely attractive. If sexual attraction was really that cut and dry, then wouldn't I too be swooning over Brangelina? Why is it that I find Clive Owen more appealing? Or Kate Winslet?
Sexual attraction should not be mistaken for lust-at-first-sight either.
And let's face it - sexual attraction isn't immediate either. Upon meeting one man years ago, I immediately thought, "Thank God, I don't find him attractive, there's no danger here," only to find myself wholly smitten four hours later. Smitten. Like a kitten. Meow!
You've known this since your youth, remember? In the classic tale, Beauty falls for the Beast not because the Beast harped incessantly on her good Catholic guilt until she caved. She falls in love with - becomes sexually attracted to - the Beast because of his kindness. The attraction wasn't there initially, but if it had not developed, there would be no story.
Without sexual attraction, there would be no reproduction, so don't knock it. And if someone tells you, "I'm just not feeling it", they are just not feeling it. Don't take it too personally.
If they say, "Hey Beanpole, why don't you come back when you've grown a butt worth grabbing," then I admit that may be a wee shallow.
But enough of me and my opinions - which side of the bed do you fall on?
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6 comments:
A friend recently told me a story about trying to maintain a relationship with a man with whom, from the beginning, she felt no "chemistry." She discussed the situation with her therapist, who gave her this to think about: "What we call chemistry is usually about MEMORY."
I have occasionally (although not recently, thank goodness) found myself powerfully attracted to people whom I did not find beautiful and didn't even like. When I was younger, I found these attractions bewildering and sometimes acted foolishly on them. As I got older, I realized in these situations that this totally inappropriate person was triggering some deep, perhaps even inaccessible memory. This knowledge made it easier to keep the emotions in perspective. These attractions were always short-lived, and I didn't always figure out what they were about, but at least I was able to step back and say, "These feelings have nothing to do with this actual person in front of you, and you really just have to wait until the feelings, and the person, go away."
Thank you for the great comment SC. My brain is buzzing with more thoughts now:
1) Were the "powerful attractions" a lust-at-first-sight thing? I generally distrust LAFS, but I do believe that interest-at-first-sight exists. That is, you meet someone and you are instantly drawn in by their words, feel at ease, etc. IAFS are not purely chemical and those have always led to the best relationships.
2) I find the "memory" aspect very compelling. And I don't think it's as easy as saying, "He reminds me of my father". I feel like revisiting my past again in my mind and seeing if I can dig up a revelation or two.
3) How is your friend faring? (if you can say so publicly without revealing anything)
It is definitely about who you like, their inner qualities and so on, but what people fail to realize is that those things change just as much as the physical body does. What happens when the person you fell in love with disappears, but the hot body remains? Either way, you are "supposed" to tough it out, work it out, whatever. If the guy goes bald, it may cause the attraction to suffer. If the guy goes bitter, the same thing would happen, so I am not sure that one situation is so different from the other.
That said, I find that your version of attractiveness seems to coincide with mine. I should examine whether it has been successful in my life more often than not...
I'm glad to give you something to chew on :)
1. Those attractions were not usually "lust at first sight" things. They were more likely to happen when I went through certain experiences with the person, like we resolved a conflict, or he paid attention to me in an unexpected way.
2. The "memory" aspect certainly gave me pause, and makes a whole lot of sense, and I agree, it's not a simple one-to-one "X reminds me of Y" thing. It's a pretty mysterious triggering formula, and I don't think it's even necessary to always understand it, but recognizing it can be helpful.
3. The friend broke up with the guy. Her rationale was that the REASON for the lack of chemistry was irrelevant; the chemistry wasn't there, and so the relationship was going nowhere. I don't blame her one bit.
Last night I did a quick review of my amorous past and I noticed that I tend towards certain physical types. I'm not saying "pretty", I'm just saying that most of them were darker in colouring. Very few blonds or gingers.
I think this subconscious selection has to be a good argument for the role of memory in attraction. My brain obviously associates certain physical characteristics as being "attractive". Don't know what the trigger is exactly, but it's interesting to note.
And as for the friend, I don't blame her either.
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